A Passionate Confession!!

I am here. What seemed like a distant dream not so long ago is a starking reality now. I walk out of my modest little bedroom into the Living area, to open the door and what lies in front of me, is what I now believe I was destined for. Everything around me seems alien. The windows, the light slipping through the neatly manufactured blinds, the floor underneath which my feet embrace for the majority of the hours on any given day. Much like an Imax dome screen pulled in front of my eyes while I wait for the reality to seep in from somewhere, anywhere. Its been the longest time in my life so far that I have been subjected to such isolation. I sit and wonder how this will transform me, possiblly forever. At the moment, I am more in a state of phase lag, where in I try to connect more with the past rather than being excited at the prospect of what lies ahead. I am looking forward, indeed but in a state of remorse for I know I can't fight the ineveitable. Change!!!! I hope I am a more complete individual when I graduate after 2 years or so and standing on that podium feel more like an enriched man rather than one who has been transformed by the incessant and the ever present surroundings. I hope I relish my first cup of tea in the morning made with my mom's chai masala as much as I might long for that Starbuck's coffee. I hope the most easily gettable burger does not take precedence over the road-side Vada Pav. The spices that built up my daily nutrition for 22 years suddenly do not seem like they were from Mars and never meant for my English tongue. I hope I walk through holding time, holding Sharad, and people who have known him, loved him, admired him, hated him while I embrace the new man who shall evolve after this self sought journey. I want to crawl not leap for I am scared that it might create a void in my life which is unexplainable to people who matter to me. I want them to understand and be a part of this endeavour, not because I fear surprises, I love surprises but more for the concern of human sensibility that they might not appreciate the reason as to why would I be where I will be eventually. I question the obvious, I question why a new venture has to be at the demise of another. I want my parents to hug their son and feel the same warmth and the grip which despite no words re-assured them that their son would be back, the next time I return. I often sit and think about the correctness of my decision to leave what I value most in search of something more. Worthless, I know. The perspective has to change. I convince myself that every change does not imply that the past was bitter or that one seeks more pleasure or solace in the times to come. I build my future to sustain my past. My life has been beautiful and I attribute the most of it to the people who have been around me. People who have been the reason for me to believe that god exists! I am here to learn more not forget what I have learnt and I hope it stays that way. I hope I fulfill all my promises that I made in the months that prior to my departure, most important one to my crying grandmother that I would meet her the next time I was India. I promise to spend that night out, drinking some good old Indian beer with my friends which I promised to them, I would. I promise my mom that I would attend her silliest of calls, just so she can hear me one more time( with the same tone of annoyance, if you insist!!!). Pardon me people if I step out of the Chatrapati spelling 'zee' for 'z' or talking with an accent as if I had spent the last 3 months in a call centre, catering to the ones oblivious to technology. I was, I am and will always be the same old Sharad Raj who brags about Mussoorie, talks of moral behaviour when he is most drunk, loves to love and as many say, an idealist-one who looks at life through roseate glasses. Love me, hate me, ignore me.........but do think about that guy who looked like someone with whom you might some time in your lives felt like associating with..Love and let love!